Universal Jokes

By:Biharilal Rajput In:Jokes SMS

ek gharme shadi honi thi ..
ladki dekhne jo mehman Aaye the unhone ladki pasand karli ......
Ladlki wale bole kuch puchna hai ladkise ? .....
Ladka bola ha mai kuch sawal puchta hu.....
Ladka:- Tumhe khana Aata hai ?
Ladki:- ji ha khana Aata hai ...
Ladka :-- Aaur kya kya Aata hai ...
Ladki:-- Gana Aata hai.....
Ladka:-- Khana banana Aata hai ...
Ladki:-- ji nahi shirfh khana Aata hai ...
Ladka:-- Aare baba mera matlab hai tumhe kya kya Aata hai....?
Ladki:-- Maine kaha na muzhe ....
khana Aata.............
gana Aata ..............
Sona Aata ...............
Rona Aata ................
Aaur subse Aachi bat to ye hai ki ...
Sat Sat pankha nahi huwa to pashina bhi Aata hai....
Ladke walone na kardi Aaur shadi tut gai.......
....B.M.Rajput ....

Tags : ( Universal Jokes ) 2 months ago - SMS Length: 1068
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By:Sanjeev Soni In:Jokes SMS

Sanjeev (

4 लडकियाँ
एक साथ बैठ के
बोल सकती है की
-तेरा भाई
मस्त दिखता है।
पहचान तो करा दे !

4 लड़के
एक साथ बैठ के
कभी नहीं बोल सकेंगे की
-तेरी बहन
मस्त सुंदर है ,
पहचान करा दे ।

ये होते है
लडको के संस्कार ,
जो सिर्फ
लडको में ,
देखने को मिलते है।


Tags : ( Universal Jokes ) 2 months ago - SMS Length: 864
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By:admin In:Jokes SMS

Three guys are golfing with the club pro. The first guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and asks, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."

The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods.

He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The third guy tees off and hits a slice into the pond.

He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro again said, "Loft."

As they are walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up and asks the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots and when we asked you what we did wrong you gave the same answer each time.

"What is loft?"

The pro said, "Lack of fu**ing talent."

Tags : ( Universal Jokes ) 2 months ago - SMS Length: 1084
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By:admin In:Jokes SMS

A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf. The man has a little dog with him, and on the first green, when he sinks a 20-foot putt, the little dog starts to yip, stands up on its hind legs and walks around in circles.

Amazed, the friend says, Wow, that dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?

Somersaults, the man says.

Somersaults! the friend exclaims.

Thats incredible. How many does he do?

It all depends on how hard I kick him.

Tags : ( Universal Jokes ) 2 months ago - SMS Length: 752
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By:admin In:Jokes SMS

One day, John Smith decided to go to a new golf course where no one knew him, just to get away and see if he could do better elsewhere.

He hired a caddy to guide him around the course. After another day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad temper, he was obviously upset.

He turned to the caddy and said, "You know I must be the worst golfer in the world."

The caddy replied, "I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy named John Smith from across town who is the worst player ever!"

Tags : ( Universal Jokes ) 2 months ago - SMS Length: 712
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By:admin In:Jokes SMS

Cricket has reached exciting level with IPL. Infusing the same thing into exams, some suggestion:

1. Reduce exam duration to 1 hour and marks to 50.

2. introduce strategic break after 30 minutes.

3. Give free hit i.e, a chance foe students to frame their own questions and write answers.

4. First 15 min power play, i.e, no invigilator in the examination hall.

5. Introduce their fair play awards.

6. Cheer girls to cheer for every correct answers written.

7. Introduce one award to the most correct answers in the exams i.e, maximum sixes of the match.


Tags : ( Universal Jokes ) 2 months ago - SMS Length: 888
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By:admin In:Jokes SMS

Santa is going out of town and needs to board his horse for a couple of months.
So he asks a local farmer about it and the farmer says, "Sure, but I charge rupess 500 per week, and I keep the manure."
Santa told him that he can`t afford this much, so the farmer refers him to another farmer, down the road.
When approached with the request, the farmer said said, "Yup, I can do it for rupees 400 a week, and I keep the manure."
This is still too much for our Santa, and the farmer suggests that he try Banta.
. When our desperate Santa asks Banta, he is surprised to hear, "Sure. I`ll be glad to do it for rupees 50 per month."
With delight, Santa exclaimed, "WOW! I suppose for that price you`ll want to keep the manure."
Banta looked at Santa with kind of a squint, and says, "For Rupees 50 a month, there ain`t gonna be none!"

Tags : ( Universal Jokes ) 2 months ago - SMS Length: 1172
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By:admin In:Jokes SMS

Santa was one of the four persons who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. The Company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.
Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.
The next day the first applicant was called in.
The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
He thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."
"Why do you say that?" asked the president.
"Well, a thought takes no time at is in your mind in an instant, then gone again."
"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.
Next the same question was posed to the second person.
"What is the fastest thing in the world?"
She paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."
"Why?" asked the president.
"Because you don`t even think about a blink, it`s just a reflex. You do it in an instant."
The president thanked him. He then called in the next applicant and asked the same question.

Tags : ( Universal Jokes ) 2 months ago - SMS Length: 2000
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By:admin In:Jokes SMS

Santa leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. A mile down the road, he`s stopped by a police officer.
The officer walked up to the driver`s side window holding a Breathalyzer and said, "Good evening sir. We`re testing for drunk driving. Would you please blow into this machine?"
Santa replied, "I`m sorry, I can`t do that. I have asthma. If I blow in that machine, I will get out of air."
"In that case, I`m going to have to ask you to come back to the station for a blood test."
Santa said, "I can`t do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death".
The officer said, `Then you`ll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line." "Can`t do that either," said Santa The officer was getting irritated. "And why not?" "Because I`m dead drunk."

Tags : ( Universal Jokes ) 2 months ago - SMS Length: 1100
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By:admin In:Jokes SMS

Banta and Preeto decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Mumbai. When they entered the hotel and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. Banta brushed her off."
Preeto objected, "That young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Preeto, she`s a prostitute."
"I don`t believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let`s go up to our room and I`ll prove it."
In their room, Banta called down to the desk and asked for that girl to come to room 326.
"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door. Banta opened it and girl walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
Banta asked, "How much do you charge?"
"Ten thousand basic rate, three thousand tips for special services."
Even Banta was taken aback. "Ten thousand !! I was thinking more in the range of two thousand." Girl laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said Banta, "I guess we can`t do business. Goodbye."
After she left, Preeto came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can`t believe it!"
Banta said, "Let`s forget it. We`ll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, that girl came up behind Banta, pointed slyly at Preeto, and said, "See what you get for rupees two thousand !"

Tags : ( Universal Jokes ) 2 months ago - SMS Length: 1980
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By:admin In:Jokes SMS

Santa and and his wife, Jeeto, went to a fair. Santa had never been on an airplane, was fascinated by a stunt plane and asked the pilot how much aride would cost.
"Rupees one thousand for 3 minutes" the pilot replied.
"That`s too much" said Santa.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I`ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make any sound at all, you`ll have to pay me the whole amount."
Santa and Jeeto agreed and went for a thrilling ride.
After they landed, the pilot said to Santa, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said Santa, "but I gotta tell you, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

Tags : ( Universal Jokes ) 2 months ago - SMS Length: 1048
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By:admin In:Jokes SMS

Banta and his wife, Preeto were shocked when Preeto`s doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again--the strain would be too much.
So Banta and Preeto reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and Banta decides he`d better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs--Preeto is coming downstairs, and Banta is heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," Preeto says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."
"I`m glad to hear it, sweetie," Banta says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

Tags : ( Universal Jokes ) 2 months ago - SMS Length: 1044
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By:admin In:Jokes SMS

It was a dark, stormy, night. Santa was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A Brigadier stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous Santa snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The Brigadier, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn`t it?"
Well it wasn`t a nice night, but Santa wasn`t going to disagree with the Brigadier, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The Brigadier continued, "You know there`s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it`s really relaxing. Don`t you agree?"
Santa didn`t agree, but then Santa was just a soldier, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The Brigadier, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
Santa glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The Brigadier continued "I got this dog for my wife."
Santa simply said "Good trade Sir!"

Tags : ( Universal Jokes ) 2 months ago - SMS Length: 1380
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By:admin In:Jokes SMS

Banta walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
Banta says, "I`ll have a burger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
"What`s yours?"
"I`ll have the same" says the ostrich.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be Rs 146.50 please,"
Banta reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, Banta and his ostrich come again, and Banta says, "I`ll have a burger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I`ll have the same."
Once again Banta reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine, until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is sunday night, so I will have a chicken burger, baked potato and salad," says Banta.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be Rs 362.75."
Once again Banta pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can`t hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says Banta, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for

Tags : ( Universal Jokes ) 2 months ago - SMS Length: 2000
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By:admin In:Jokes SMS

After days in the wilderness Santa and Banta stumble into a bar in the wild north in J&K and ask for two beers. Unfortunately they`ve got no money and the barman won`t give them credit. Just then a Kashmiri walks in with a terrorist`s head under his arm.
The barman shakes his hand and says, "I f**king hate terrorosts. Last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, raped my wife and killed my children. If any man brings me the head of a terrorist, I will give him Rs 10,000".
Santa and Banta look at each other and then go off to find a terrorist. Later that day, they see one, and Banta throws a stone which hits the terrorist on the head. The terrorist falls off his bike but lands 100ft down a ravine.
Santa and Banta dash down into the ravine, where Santa starts sawing the terrorist`s head off.
Suddenly Banta says, `Santa look at this.`
Santa says, "Not now I`m busy."
Banta says, "No, look at this."
Santa says,

Tags : ( Universal Jokes ) 2 months ago - SMS Length: 1304
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Most Liked in Universal Jokes Sub-Category

By:jigar In:Shayari SMS

geele kagaz ki tarha hai zindagi apni,

koi jalata bhi nahi, koi bahata bhi nahi,

iss qadar akele hain dil ki raaho mein,

...koi satata bhi nahi, koi manata bhi nahi.

Tags : ( Love Shayari SMS ) 2 months ago - SMS Length: 236
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By:Mehra saab In:Jokes SMS

ਸਾਡੀ ਹੱਸਦੀ ਵੱਸਦੀ ਜ਼ਿੰਦਗੀ ਨੂੰ
ਓਹ ਐਸਾ " # Lock " ਕਰ ਗਈ
" # Click" ਕਰਨ ਤੇ ਪਤਾ ਲੱਗਾ,
ਹਾਏ ਰੱਬਾ !
ਓਹ ਤਾਂ " ‪#‎ Block‬" ਕਰ ਗਈ...hahahahahaha

Tags : ( Funny SMS ) 2 months ago - SMS Length: 360
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By:admin In:Jokes SMS

एक दिन संता दुखी होकर अपने दोस्त बंता के घर जाता है और बंता से कहता है;

संता: यार, मुझे अपनी बीवी से तलाक चाहिए!

बंता: लेकिन क्यों आखिर ऐसा क्या हुआ?

संता: वो 6 महीने से मुझ से बात ही नहीं कर रही!

बंता: एक बार फिर सोच लो, ऐसी बीवी सिर्फ किस्मत वालो को ही मिलती है!

Tags : ( Hindi Jokes(Santa Banta) ) 2 months ago - SMS Length: 940
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By:JaTT In:Shayari SMS

Pagal Wo Kar Deta Hoga
Ab Bhi Jab Wo Hansta Hoga
Mujh Ko To Barbaad Kiya Hai.
Khud Bhi Shayad Wo Rota Hoga
Arsa Bita Hai Bin Dekhe Use.
Jane Ab Wo Kaisa Hoga Us Ke Haath Ki Rekhaon Me.
Ek Rekha Meri Bhi Hogi.
Dulhaa Ban Kar Wo Is Dil Me.
Socho Kesa Lagta Hoga
Jin Haathon Ko Maine Chooma Tha.
Unko Ab Tak Taakta Hoga.
Sun Kar Mera Naam Wo Shayad.
Ek Lamhe Ko Chonkta Hoga
Jane Ab Wo Kesa Hoga
Jane Ab Wo Kesa Hoga .? ?

Tags : ( Love Shayari SMS ) 2 months ago - SMS Length: 560
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